“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline …

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, Social Security number and your mother’s maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

I woke up this ‘morning’, and decided to play Slayer to work out to. I usually play the album ‘Deicide’, because a lot of the songs have a slow, grinding heaviness to them that complements my grunting while doing push-ups (4 in all, 5 on a good day). Today however, I went for the live 2-CD album and heard stuff like “This is a song about Ed, who slept, and danced, with the dead” and it gets you thinking, what crap lyrics. At what point did someone go, “well, this Ed guy, he’s a real bad-ass, sleeping with the dead and all that, but we’ve got to make him tougher. You know what, let’s say he danced with the dead as well. That’ll knock them off their feet!” Another beaut I noticed was “I’ll kill you forever”, like there’s another option!

Yes, sign up here, Ladies and Gents, you have the choice of my crash course “How not to work”, or the more lengthy and detailed course “Work: The philosophy of entitlement and anti-establishmentarianism”. Anyhow, all this typing’s made me thirsty, I’m off to Sand Bar.

Dr Peter Kawalek, Senior Lecturer and all-round Good Person at MBS, is going to write a paper on action research he plans to conduct into weblogs. Here’s what I mentioned; any thoughts?

Going through my blog archives, a funny pattern emerges. I get the most comments (directly reflecting interest) on those topics where I manage to say something scandalous, controversial, or personal to my friends. If I just write what happened to me that day, interest seems to be zero.

So a canny blogger is one who makes his/her audience react. Reasons for wanting to be react are not uni-dimensional; perhaps the commentee wants to show off, perhaps commenting on your blog is prestigious, perhaps the topic demands reaction, etc.

This morning I awoke to the sound of my Simpsons doughnut clock clucking at me. It was louder than usual, and sounded especially ominous; which, given the mental state I’m in over my dissertation, seems to fit in. Still managed a cheeky snooze though

It’s coming up to 60 years since the atrocities were carried out in the name of freedom. This 6th of August will mark the day that, 60 years ago, the populations of two cities were subjected to almost total obliteration. I’m not sure where I stand on the “nuclear-free world” question; I do believe that nuclear power is a source of energy that we cannot afford to overlook. That would be tantamount to killing a snake simply because we fear it. However, wouldn’t it be better not to have a loaded gun in the house at all, rather than take the chance that the little kid (or jilted lover) will find and use it? I know, very simplistic illustrations to a complex problem, but it shows how ambiguous I can be
Surely we should be able to trust humankind to make the right decisions? Well…. look at this.

UN researchers predicted the current food crisis in Niger months ago. But only now, as millions face starvation and images of dying children sweep the news media, has the international community begun to respond with food aid, they say.

?It was very clear from October last year. We monitor this region very closely due to its vulnerability. The warnings were given very early,? says Jean Senahoun, of Global Information and Early Warning System in Rome, a part of the UN?s Food and Agriculture Organization.

Senahoun was among the researchers involved in the December 2004 special report on the Niger food forecast, which predicted the country would fall short of nearly 300,000 tonnes of food ? about 7% of the country?s total need ? before the next harvest in October 2005. The devastating failure of the October 2004 harvest was two-thirds due to severe droughts and one-third due to the locust infestation that swept through West Africa.

Despite the report?s firm recommendations, the spur for aid only came after BBC news footage in Niger was broadcast last week.

In the days of the first appeal, just $1 per day per individual could have offset crisis. But now it will take $80 to save each starving person.

Taken from New Scientist 26/07/05.

I watched Reservoir Dogs again t’other day. I remember how terrified I was of Mr.Blonde when I first saw it, because of his callousness in the scene where he chops the cop’s ear off. But this time I was laughing at his dance steps!!

I heard about this website, yeah? So I went to see it, yeah? Doesn’t work. Apparently you enter your domain url, the application takes a look at your code, and then makes a graphical representation of it, that looks like a tree. Poor Brazilian got shot in London, we don’t want to end-up like America! But as Tinks just said, it’s an ill wind that blows nobody’s way; bicycle sales have gone up!!

I saw a great film on BBC Four, a French one called “Nothing about Robert”. There was this crazy girl, as is quite the norm in all French films, and she basically lures this middle-aged intellectual away from his girlfriend, who’s another loon, because she walks up a stranger in the park and asks him for a shag, and then proceeds to describe the affair to her boyfriend. In all this, there was the mention of Kundera, which reminded me that I had bought ‘Immortality’ and hadn’t finished reading it; another book that I kept on-the-go and then forgot about. So I dug it up. A quote from this book is appropriate right about here..

It is part of the definition of feeling that it is born in us without our will, often against our will. As soon as we want to feel (decide to feel, just as Don Quixote decided to love Dulcinea), feeling is no longer feeling but an imitation of feeling, a show of feeling. This is commonly called hysteria. That’s why homo sentimentalis (a person who has raised feeling to a value) is in reality identical to homo hystericus.

By the way, is there a French film that doesn’t have a scene where a group of people sit around a dinner table discussing art and/or literature. And the words existentialist and/or post-idealist are used?

Well first off, I’ve now got a digital camera! Kodak C340. Half-price at Dixon’s. 5 megapixels, 5x optical, 3x digital zoom, and even a little string-loopy thingy to put your hand through. Went with IT Support and SteveO around Manchester, giving them a bit of training in how to take photos and stuff, you know, technical stuff like composition, etc We saw the start of Manchester Festival, Kwanzaa party and it was highly disorganised at the start. Then we went to Arndale, got my camera, and went looking for things to shoot. Saw a man on a bike with two watches, engrossed in the street drummers. Mike from Punana was there drumming. I caught up with the Kwanzaa party outside my house in Alexandra Park, got a nice photo of a dancer getting a leg up on a cop!

Last night was a DVD fiesta, managed to work through all the 3 Lord of the Rings films, thanks to Peetey (although I’m not sure he knows much about it). I was up till 4am, and had 4 dinner breaks. You filthy pig! The unfortunate thing about LOTR is that there’s too much of Gayboy Frodo and his ‘mate’ Sam Gamgee on screen.

Frodo: Oh Sam!
Sam: Oh Frodo!
(nb. not actual quotes)

And so on and on and on.

The good thing is that there’s big battle scenes, and when they do divert from the original story (which is every other frame, mind you) they’re good enough to include gigantic wolves and suchlike. I personally am quite happy with CGI, and will readily swap plot for action (my Swedish collection bears testimony when the fancy takes me.
Anyhow (YAWN) going to see Ioannis soon, perhaps bump around Antonia/Maria’s tonight if there’s plans to go out.

In a msn conversation with ‘IT Support’ (you should’ve guessed who that is by now!) yesterday, there arose the opportunity to throw in a quote from ole Shaky’s Julius Caesar. In India, where I did my a substantial chunk of my schooling, Julius Caesar was standard reading for about year 11 (circa age 15) or so. I loved it! To this day, there are whole fistfuls (mouthfuls?) of dialogue I can quote offhand. But I think what was most helpful to a kid of my age was the extensive notes at the back of the textbook that performed the necessary introductions, line by line, to the beautiful world of Shakespeare. How else would I understand what was meant by unicorns being betrayed by trees, bears with glasses, elephants with holes, lions with toils and men with flatterers, etc? And what with my teacher reading it aloud (the only way) with me, I grew to enjoy the timing and sense of play, for e.g. when Caesar is being celebrated publicly and Cassius is sounding out Brutus to join the conspiracy,

Brutus: What means this shouting? I do fear, the people
Choose Caesar for their king.
Cassius: –Ay, do you fear it?
Then must I think you would not have it so.

the ‘Ay’ comes in with a jump, because Cassius is eager to literally pounce on a sign from Brutus that he is displeased with Caesar’s growing popularity. Note the metre Shaky employs, Cassius’ first line is meant to fit on the end of Brutus’ last.

There’s a lot of comment on how Brutus is the person we end up liking, and the person who lasts till the end, while Caesar buys it in the 1st scene of Act 3. But JC’s spirit does come visit, and it is true when the critics mention the aura of JC pervading even after his demise. Brutus is my fav, although even Cassius the plotter has good qualities.

But ’tis oft thus said, a man’s best tribute
is one that comes not from friend but from foe (my imitation of Shaky

Thus spake Anthony on Brutus’ death:-

Anthony: This was the noblest Roman of them all:
All the conspirators save only he
Did that they did in envy of great Caesar;
He only, in a general honest thought
And common good to all, made one of them.
His life was gentle, and the elements
So mix’d in him that Nature might stand up
And say to all the world ‘This was a man!

Ok, here the latest from our careers service. Why it’s so good should be self-explanatory.

Description of position:
You will work as part of a team responsible for maintaining a
high standard of cleanliness throughout the Centre, including
areas of the female changing room and showers while the centre is
open to the public.

Qualifications required:
Able to prioritise workloads, good communication and customer
care skills. Due to exposure to the female changing room and
showers while the centre is open to the public, a female
candidate would be preferred (as stated in section 7(2)(B) or the
Sex Discrimination Act).

Ok, yesterday it was time to find out what the Indians did for us. The number 0, plastic surgery (ew, gross!), and the first sewer system 4500 years ago! Jonny resurfaced momentarily online, and I managed to have a brief chat. Same with Helgi. All is well.

Jill & I, locked in a battle of wits over the online sudoku puzzles. A whole day of absolutely criminal unproductivity. Who won? Of course I had to let her

From the ‘Songs I heard today’ section :- The Gathering

“What fine judgement I see,
in the eyes of our world leaders
Oh how beautiful life could be,
if it had not been shot to pieces”

1) Yes my dear readers, once again it’s UKTV History time, and yesterday I sat through Adam Hart-Davis explaining to mw what the Chinese have bequeathed us. Firstly, fast food and restaurants were Chinese ideas, with some of them getting so good at it that the Palace used to order takeaways from them. Marco Polo imported the Chinese noodles, that were re-born as… pasta! And apart from the obvious gunpowder/fireworks that everyone is aware of, the Chinese also invented the concept of paper money, that traders used to protect their assets from highway robbery.

2) On an entirely different note, this post also celebrates the institution of the David Beckham Public Recognition Awards for no discernable Talent (David Beckham PRAT). Nominees so far are

Suggestions welcome, nay, indeed solicited.

3) I’m currently reading ‘The spy who came in from the cold’ by John le Carre. It seems to be the only spy novel that can be termed a ‘classic’. The author was working for the British Foreign Service, and seems not only to know the tricks of the trade, but also understands the psychological state of the spy.

4) Another 2 hours of driving at 1pm today. On Monday I was equally commended for my control of the car and reprimanded for my bad habits. Today should be fun; Roundabouts, and Pedestrians: How not to run them over.

(later on in the day…)

Driving went well, but I’m getting anxious that the bloody instructor is trying to squeeze as many lessons as he can out of me. Since I’ve pre-paid for ten hours, he’s counting on them in the bag and testing to see if he can force more dough out of me! Whereas my plan was to finish in ten hours. That doesn’t seem likely, as he’s just pulling me up for silly inconsequential things, like not looking at the road when driving, and forgetting to brake when someone’s crossing the road. Haha, just a bit of humour there. Yesss, I’ve still got it!

Ok, so they found a briefcase under the M60 overpass (Mancunian Way). I know of times when the first person to find it would have given a quick, furtive gander about and then’ve sidled off with it! The Mancunian way. Oh, for the good old days.

“You win again, Gravity!” – Zapp Brannigan

We had great fun at Tracy’s yesterday, we being Ioannis, Jessy, Mamie, Simon, Tracy & I. Tracy had the full bottle of “water” left over from her house-warming party, so she managed to finally persuade us (I put up a real fight) to come over to her place. Earlier in the day t and i had gone to Sinclair’s Oyster Bar for a pint in the sun. That’s where I found them in an exuberant mood. After another round we set of to Pizza Slut, for a meal of grand proportions, which was where Jessy joined us. Finishing our pizzas, (and rounding it off with some ice-cream, we ambled to the bus-stop for the 50 to take us to Tinks’. ) We got some beers from Tesco, called Mamie, and settled down in front of the telly with Futurama, thanks to Simon’s collection.

Had a nervous start to this morning, eyes-open at 5:45 am. Nobody should have to face a bank manager and a driving instructor on the same morning. Especially on a Monday. Double especially after a Party Sunday.

(later on in the day…)
I had a great time driving, had to sit through the first half-hour listening to the instructor explaining various complex gadgets in the car like steering wheels and lights and stuff while I was itching to get in the hot seat and take off with a wheel spin. Apparently I also had to be taught that one uses the left mirror when turning left, and vice versa.

I felt that since everyone who made the trip to the strawberry fields yesterday will be writing about the fields, I’m giving it a different slant.
There were 10 of us in all, Bingboula, Catherine, Gary, Jessy, Jill, Mahesh, Mamie, Tracy, Yovina & I. We set off from ASDA in three cars, and Mamie and I had the ‘good’ fortune of being driven by Tracy in Jessy’s brother’s car. As we were leaving Manchester joining the M602, Tracy had a little battle of wills with a truck that was attempting to exit it. Fortunately, after a brief contest which had Mamie and I saw a lot of our life pass before our eyes, Tracy gave in and let the truck pass us. We then managed to make it to the fields without further incident, apart from the humorous episode where Jill in the lead (driving the rental car) turned into a side road to let us catch up with her, and then both cars followed her into the side road so we ended up nose-to-tail in a circle .

(to be contd…)

Ok, I’m back. Ioannis has posted the pics on our isom weblog .

I’ve decided to give a little commentary on the strawberry pics, especially regarding the fact that some of us were really clueless as to what to do in a field. For instance, Tracy dear thought that the stuff had to be dug up from the ground, bless! Jill bumped into a visitor from another planet and did as recommended, extending a greeting to them that we are a peaceful people. And although the sight of those bug-eyed, claw-tentacled aliens didn’t unsettle her, the partially-nude Adonis certainly did. Mamie was prepared for the aliens though, she was carrying almost all her earthly possessions in case they gave her a lift. And when her hands got full, well… Bingboula discovered that the blue-coloured plants that the aliens introduced seemed to have a lot more strawberries in them! And here Tracy and Jill celebrate a victory for Earth as the low-flying spacecraft narrowly misses their heads (the aliens having got what they came for.) Mahesh observes Mamie settling down to a quick lunch after the ordeal of being strung upside down. You can even see the Deputy Commander of the aliens gloating over the captive Earthmen and Earthwomen as they cry out in pain and anguish.

Another gem from the career’s service. An e-mail advertises the availability of a job as a helper for a disabled writer who will be totally dependent on the help physically. But the e-mail details the skills they are looking for as “A lack of caring experience would be an advantage” I wonder why?

What is the world coming to? It’s such a shame that people can’t go about their everyday business without having to fear for their lives. I’m talking, of course, about the unestimable number of unexploded mines, rockets, motar shells, etc. that lie strewn around conflict zones across the world. Every year, according to the Mines Advisory Group (MAG), 20,000 people are either killed or injured, the overwhelming majority of which are civilians, including children.
I also just realised the other day that the date 7/7 marks the day I arrived in the UK in the year 2000.

A quick hello to Jill, who has joined the isom community of webloggers that I founded. You will find her ramblings at her weblog, called geeronimo. This just gives us more opportunity to go around pollinating each others’ weblogs.

This is my first post!!!

And what follows has no relevance to that or anything for that matter…

When I turned 18… my brother, whom you better know as Nazir, played Skid Row’s “18 & Life”… and then he played “Sweet Lil’ Sister” by the same band… don’t really know why that came to me mind, but it did. So there. Period. Fullstop.

Now, 8 years later… (has it really been 8 years Agu??? Damn!! You’re old! ) he asks me to write some shit for his blog. Actually lays down all the ground work for me as well. And what do I do? I type this nonsense…

That can be explained like this. I’m his full sister. Which means he shares, on an average, 50% of my genes. He got 50% of my dad’s and 50% of me mom’s genes. I did too. My hypothesis is that he got all the “beneficial” ones while I got stuck with the redundant ones. If you just took a look at our respective legs and noses, you’ll know what I’m talking about… hence, I have no idea what I’m typing. He got the “I-know-what-to-type-at-the-drop-of-a-hat” genes, you see?

So there… I’m excused from all pretense of being a genius, of being self-aware to a large extent, and of being a good writer.

Basically, I have nothing to say. But keeping my brother’s wounded feelings in mind, I promise to write whenever I have anything interesting to share with y’all.

So, here’s a lame end to a lamer beginning…
Cheers!
And keep that head banging!
Y? aka Yasmin aka Yass-hole…

Congrats to London! We showed foul-mouthed Chirac. Now good luck to them getting all those tourists in without major gridlock! I was sure we’d win, once I learned that super athlete ~/~ David Beckham was in the olympic comittee. (Note:- henceforth I shall be using this sign ~/~ to denote sarcasm) Speaking of footballers, Gerrard made a U-turn when he changed from being a devoted scouser to a money-grabber. Now I hear he’s reversed again and he’ll sign for Liverpool. No comment.

So isom’s organised another great trip, picking strawberries in July. We have managed to get a van driver on minimum wage, hopefully we’ll rent a van, and then this Friday will see a bunch of grown-ups competing in a very un-grown-up-like manner to see who picks the most strawberries and raspberries. I have a plan for success worked out, but obviously due to security reasons it cannot be disclosed on these pages. Now the rest of the time leading up to Friday will be devoted to choosing a selection of songs to suit the journey!

Federer’s won, surprise surprise. I watched it, wasn’t really expecting Roddick to do anything. I also watched The Life of Brian, and American Beauty, amongst others. Cheers Rob! Saturday night was fun, went to Filmworks, and sat in the Gallery section thanks to some vouchers. Free nachos, free popcorn, free drinks. I did have to sit through ‘Batman Begins’ though. If anyone’s seen it, they’ll know what I mean. Bumped into Ina & Mahesh in Sainsbury’s while Rob & I were out buying the best vodka (on a side note, Russian voda=water, vodka=vodka. In Urdu, mai can be water as well as an intoxicating drink) money can buy in order to smuggle it into the cinema later. They’d just been to York.

I had loads more to write here, things that seemed so damn important at the time. Anyhow, it’ll all come back to me.

Done a spot of e-touring today, checking out people’s photoblogs. I’ll be adding interesting ones to my photoblog links, so keep checking. You can really get caught up with these things, one link leads to another… Damn! I wish I had a camera now!! And a proper site!! One day, my son, the earth will be yours, and all that is upon it. But I want it now!!