My current favourite ads are the ‘Strawman’ ones. You know, the ones with the voiceover asking: “Who said..?”

There’s one from a car manufacturer that goes:
-“Who said electrification can’t spark excitement?”

And another that goes:
-“Who said electricity can’t be adventurous?”

And another that goes:
-“Who said electrification can’t spark excitement when unplugged?”

Yes, read that again, aloud:
-“Who said electrification can’t spark excitement when unplugged?” (Hint: Nobody. Nobody said that. Ever.)

Apart from the clunkiness of the sentences, what annoys me is that it’s such lazy advertising. And disingenuous.

It sounds very much like a politician talking.

But who said you can’t be an uninventive, unoriginal ad agency and still rake in millions?

“It was as if, because of the very strangeness of my heritage and the worlds I straddled, I was from everywhere and nowhere at once; a combination of ill-fitting parts, like a platypus or some imaginary beast, confined to a fragile habitat, unsure of where I belonged. And I sensed, without fully understanding why or how, that unless I could stitch my life together and situate myself along some firm axis I might end up in some basic way living my life alone.

I didn’t talk to anyone about this; certainly not my friends or family. I didn’t want to hurt their feelings or stand out any more than I already did. But I did find refuge in books”

-A Promised Land

‘It’s okay! Sorry. I was determined I wasn’t going to get upset… I’m more angry than upset. You don’t know what it’s like to… sorry.’ Feminine dexterity repaired most of the damage, and the glamour was soon back in place.

‘Would you like a drink? I could bring you some water.’

Emma put the tissue back in her bag. ‘Thanks, but no thanks. Offer me a gin and I’m all yours.’ Then she added, ‘Just joking. It’ll cost you more than that. Right. So tell me where you’re up to with Titanic?’

Billie blinked. This was turning into the most bizarre encounter with a female he could remember. The woman opposite him was undeniably attractive, and apart from the amount of leg on show there was also a further distraction moving under her top. But her eccentric behaviour was the dominant issue. He felt out of control and out of his depth… “

– excerpt from a “book” by Alan Veale.

“I was going through a phase of enjoying using the word ‘weaponise’ because, recently, while walking past a building site, my blind eyes had misread a sign that said ‘We Apologise For Any Inconvenience’ as the far more inspiring ‘Weaponise Any Inconvenience’. I think Weaponise Any Inconvenience is a genuine philosophy for art and life.

-Stewart Lee, March Of The Lemmings

I heard of a lovely practice of The Human Library in Denmark where, instead of borrowing a book you borrow a person for an hour and they tell you about themselves.

It got me wondering: But can people tell their own story when asked?

Thinking upon it; the only time we usually meet a person telling their story is when a character in a novel, play or film does an exposition in order to move the plot along, or add colour or depth… the author of the story decides what the character says based on what is needed to be said, or what is proper to be said.

How would you tell your story?

Would you know to include background? Would you do it correctly? How much of your background do you know?

Would you be kind to your character? Would you be harsh? Fair?

Have you thought about your character enough?

Human crowd behaviour is often like whale-watching on a boat.

Bear with me..

When you go whale-watching (or seal-watching, or dolphin-watching, or crocodile-watching..), the first thing you’re told as you get on the boat is that there will be sightings and breaches expected on both sides, so remain in your seats and do not rush over to the opposite side.

As usual, at the very first sighting there’ll be a moron who rushes over to the opposite side.

Moron would have reasoned (hah!) thus:

• “I know I’ve been told not to rush over to the other side, but surely one person can’t matter. It’ll probably be some Health & Safety nonsense anyway” Moron is spotted in the wild wearing velcro as they can’t be trusted with shoelaces.

Unfortunately Moron will then be followed by Entitled Person who will have rationalised (hah!) thus:

• “I’ve paid the same as Moron; I’ll be damned if I don’t get a view of what I’ve paid for, no matter what I’ve been told!” Entitled Person is also often seen in the wild jumping queues because “Why should I have to wait?”.

Entitled Person is immediately followed by a group of Sheep (of which there are a lot) who will have thought (hah!) thus:

• “Someone’s going somewhere and I shall follow”. Sheep are often seen in the wild joining queues because “Everyone else is”.

Meanwhile us few Rational Beings will be looking around for the lifejackets in preparation for the boat capsizing.

“Nothing’s new anymore.. everything is derivative.”
Well, that’s not true; because everything has always been derivative, it’s only that now we notice it because we have better records.

For example, tropes of genesis and extinction events are so similar across cultures today that they are as unimaginative as the aliens in Star Trek (who all have two arms and two legs and a face easily altered by 20th century cosmetics instead of being, you know, alien!)

A trope that has resurfaced in the news recently is a certain Meghan as Jezebel. Look it up: Wikipedia African Stereotypes/Jezebel.

Just going through my old Sci-fi short story collections; there are some fascinating post-apocalyptic stories that make for vivid and haunting reading in the current lockdown.

Read them for free at the Gutenberg Free Press:

The Music Master of Babylon by Edgar Pangborn

The Scarlet Plague by Jack London

 

When I was just a little boy
I asked my father: “What will I be?
Will I be handsome, will I be rich?”
Here’s what he said to me:

“The value that society imparts to both beauty and wealth is derivative/comparative and shifting. Find value in yourself and you’ll never have to waste your short time on this planet chasing shifting fashion modes, trying to keep up with the neighbours, or satisfying other people’s goals.”

There’s a quality called ‘knowing when you’re beaten’.

And I think I should learn this.

That statement might make it seem like I’m endowing myself with all these seemingly-positive attributes that are associated with the phrase… like “fighter”, “survivor”,”warrior”…

But to say you know when you’re beaten means you recognise the limitations of your ability to solve a problem. From which you might start to ask for opinions, change strategy, dump preconceptions… all which sound good when the objective is to solve a problem.

I have a love/hate relationship with sudoku (I have some withered pages torn out of newspapers in 2008 that I haven’t solved. I haven’t ever revisited them, but all the same they are still, by me, unsolved.) If you ever watch me and spot a missing number, keep it to yourself because I will motherchucking gut you if you try and help me.